Lost

This has been a year for loss… and impending loss.  Through it all, I feel that I’ve often lost myself as I stand wobbly, teetering on the edge of happiness, where I used to reside most of the time.  It is within my reach sometimes; I feel it close, that old familiar happy stomping ground.  Maybe someday its pull will be great enough to draw me over again. I am not who I used to be and I am uncomfortable standing too long in this dark place of sadness.

Some of my losses are obvious, some not so much.

1. The most noticeable missing part of my life is that of my sister, of course, since last April.  This is my most profound loss and the one that I don’t think that I’ll ever get past.  It’s like losing an arm or a leg.  A part of me is gone and it will never be replaced.  It is the biggest, blackest hole that has ever bored into my heart.  But, remembering the funny times and happy memories always seems to help.

2.  My mother, for all intents and purposes, is gone.  The slide has been years in the making, but the loss of any semblance of her former self has quickly vanished during the last few months.  She does not walk or stand, she can no longer feed herself.  I don’t know if she recognizes me, but I think that she still might… on some days.  She cannot talk to say my name.  Gone.

3.  Parker, our beloved Golden Retriever, my buddy.  His departure has left a quiet in the house that is sometimes unbearable. 

4.  Joey will be moving into a group home within the next month – or sooner, if all goes according to schedule.  This will be a good move, not so much of a loss for me, but a newfound freedom.  And definitely independence and growth for him.  But it will leave a void, nevertheless, in the most obvious way.

I am taking the morning off to write, to read, to catch up on things that have been relegated to the back burner for the last month. And, to look to the future.