(Self) Pity Post or Everybody Has Their Crap

I don’t like to do this often.  In fact, I am extremely disappointed in myself whenever I succumb to the unforgivable sin of self-pity.  Enough already.  It’s usually not that difficult to convince myself the reasons that things happen are for reasons unknown by mere humans, but stem from a pre-conceived divine plan.  I really do believe this.  God, in his infinite wisdom, they say, has His plan for us all and gives us no more than He thinks we can handle.  But you have to wonder if He is paying attention to whom He is dealing these unevenly divided life’s burdens.  Sometimes the weights are so heavy, so interminable, it seems like when one shoulder is finally lightened, a different weight is heaved upon the other one, no lighter, just different.

Now, my often-skewed intellect reminds me that God is not picking on me specifically.  Everybody has their crap and I am aware that other people’s crap will usually look preferable to me after years of being mired in my own non-stop barrage of crap.  A son with autism, a mother, a father, a daughter and a sister all affected by cancer at some point in their lives.  A mother and a mother-in-law in the midst of various levels of dementia, too.  A career that has had to be put on hold more times than I can count.  Now it seems as if my son’s gastrointestinal issue will remain unresolved forever.  I have had to keep him kept home from his day program for at least four of the last six weeks.  We have been chained to the house because of the urgent and sudden need to … well, you can guess.  More crap. (Heard from the doctor yesterday regarding the results of tests from last week. All negative.  Good, right?  But not an answer.)  Things were a bit improved yesterday so I am sending him into program today.  I am apprehensive as hell about it, but going for it and hoping for the best.

Here it comes, the self-pity part; it’s not pretty music.  Oh, what did I ever do to deserve all this?  Was it because when I was in my twenties and I had an argument with Joe and I was so mad that I loosened a bolt or two on his motorcycle?  (I am not proud of this; it was immature and dangerous and maybe one of the worst things I have ever done.)  Was it because when I was twelve, I took the opportunity to throw my green beans into the trash when the entire city of New York went dark?  How about when I take the long way home on purpose?  Or because I dream of a life with no responsibilities?  Is it because, as a rebellious teenager, I was always so vocal about never wanting to be stuck in a normal life?  I did not envision this one as the life I wanted, no sir.

All this being said, and complained about to my husband, tears spilled and inane questions lamented, I look around me and see that there are people that I love and who are close to me that also have their own, very difficult crap, too.  Do I want theirs?  Do they want mine?

I am feeling a pull to balance things here because I am so very uncomfortable operating in a complaining mode.  A list.  A list of things that I am grateful for will get me through this.

1. I have real work these days.  Not as much as I would like, but things are looking up.
2. My son’s current medical issue is limiting and puzzling for sure, but he is not sick at all.  He feels fine and his behavior is good.  And I know that we will eventually arrive at a solution and an effective treatment.
3. My daughter is fine with a capital F.  She has not been home much lately, making up for the lost social time during her lengthy transplant recovery.  Now, she needs to get a job and enter the realm of normal life of a soon to be twenty-six year old.
4. My husband remains gainfully employed in an uncertain industry.
5. A roof over our heads; we live in a comfortable house in a safe neighborhood.  I am back here in New Jersey, close to the people I love.
6. Meaningful associations.  I get to contribute my efforts in groups that help others.
7. Family support.  My family likes me.
8. Life stability, such as it is, such as it has become.

I’m sure there are more, but these positives were just enough to smack me upside the head and say “snap of it!” (In my head I am seeing Cher smacking Nicolas Cage in “Moonstruck” and yelling at him to snap out of it – thinking how I love that scene, and that movie.)